The pursuit of happiness is one of the prime values people hold, and they often fall short of attaining it. There might even be a further vexing twist on this happiness paradox, by which the more fervently people pursue happiness the further they get from it. In the words of the philosopher Eric Hoffer, “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”
the more we value happiness the higher expectations we set for our happiness—high expectations we are more likely to miss. When we miss them, we may become disappointed and discontented. Such feelings are incompatible with happiness. And voila! Like in quicksand, the more we want to be happy, the less happy we become.
In earlier empirical research, we showed that intensely valuing happiness indeed seems to backfire. For example, people who endorsed statements like, “Happiness is extremely important to me,” were more likely to have lower well-being and greater depressive symptoms.
A first, most fundamental lesson is not to judge our emotions. As our walk through the process of pursuing happiness illustrates, the path to happiness goes awry when we judge. This is easier said than done, especially as judgments can be deeply ingrained. But it is possible to learn an accepting perspective: viewing our emotions, positive and negative, as natural and valuable parts of human life. Accepting our emotions, in turn, is associated with greater well-being. Acceptance can help us become happier and enjoy life more, and it also is a helpful strategy to be resilient when we encounter adversity.
Next, consider counteracting one of the main tributaries to judgment: monitoring how we feel. Monitoring itself is not harmful but it makes it a lot more likely that we will judge. When we don’t monitor our feelings, we are less likely to judge—and more likely to enjoy.
A third strategy unites the first and second, and it is: Don’t treat activities—or life—as a means to an end. If we can live our lives fully, mindfully, without looking beyond, true happiness might emerge. This idea is captured in a quote attributed to Nathaniel Hawthorne: “Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”
Finally, if there is any common theme to research on what makes people happier, it is that social connection is helpful. This might be because social connection invites us to judge and monitor less and be in the moment more.